This week has been pretty uneventful.. Dealt with snow, talked smack, worked, and ate well. The only thing that sticks out of any consequence would be the fact that I had 2 surgical procedures on Monday. One was to add back a port so that my veins won’t collapse or being burned out due to the weekly chemo treatments. And the second was to remove the metal expander that has provided me an illusion of having a breast for the last 4 years in my right side.
As I was saying goodbye to family when being wheeled to the surgical room, I definitely shed some tears. But once I woke up I just felt a peace. I prayed and it was a simple prayer but it did the job. I felt peace I was able to wake up from the procedures, and also a kind of hope that this was another stepping stone in helping me finally meet the future that I dreamt about filled with travel, love and overall happiness.
When initially prepping for these procedures, I was prepping myself to hit a serious depression. Each day with the drainage tube, my breast gets flatter and flatter. It’s almost as if I’m losing what was left of me being a woman. But, when I sat there trying to cry nothing would come. I still feel hopeful. I still feel that by the time I hit 40 I will have a nice rack like in the old days. (Yes, I was the perky breasted one in my group) It wasn’t too big nor too small, but just right. LOLOL
I’m not going to say that I will not get depressed but I’m not going to look for it. If and when it happens, I will deal with it at that time.Yes I have also been furiously playing “The Smurfs Village, The Sims, and The Simpsons Tapped out. (Why – because they help numb my mind) It is a constant balance of keeping sanity but it works for me.
Right now, I am proud that I have parents who are both in their 70’s who could focus on helping me recover as quickly as possible. A mother who had to help me bathe as if I was 7 rather than 37. A father who check the temperature and makes sure I eat a dozen times a day. Yet neither one complains. There goal is to see me smile and be the nutjob that I always am.
I was able to work this whole week minus the Monday and Tuesday and it felt good. I am proud that I have friends and family who support me and know when to text, email, or get on the phone.
I guess the point is that as always the blessings outweigh the drama.
Next week we will see what it brings, with more treatments, MRi’s and I’m sure other ways to poke and prod me. LOL
But right now, I am blessed and I will own it. And I will own that I have hope.