The Week of No Tears

This week has been pretty uneventful.. Dealt with snow, talked smack, worked, and ate well. The only thing that sticks out of any consequence would be the fact that I had 2 surgical procedures on Monday. One was to add back a port so that my veins won’t collapse or being burned out due to the weekly chemo treatments. And the second was to remove the metal expander that has provided me an illusion of having a breast for the last 4 years in my right side.

As I was saying goodbye to family when being wheeled to the surgical room, I definitely shed some tears. But once I woke up I just felt a peace. I prayed and it was a simple prayer but it did the job. I felt peace I was able to wake up from the procedures, and also a kind of hope that this was another stepping stone in helping me finally meet the future that I dreamt about filled with travel, love and overall happiness.

When initially prepping for these procedures, I was prepping myself to hit a serious depression. Each day with the drainage tube, my breast gets flatter and flatter. It’s almost as if I’m losing what was left of me being a woman. But, when I sat there trying to cry nothing would come. I still feel hopeful. I still feel that by the time I hit 40 I will have a nice rack like in the old days. (Yes, I was the perky breasted one in my group) It wasn’t too big nor too small, but just right. LOLOL

I’m not going to say that I will not get depressed but I’m not going to look for it. If and when it happens, I will deal with it at that time.Yes I have also been furiously playing “The Smurfs Village, The Sims, and The Simpsons Tapped out. (Why – because they help numb my mind) It is a constant balance of keeping sanity but it works for me.

Right now, I am proud that I have parents who are both in their 70’s who could focus on helping me recover as quickly as possible. A mother who had to help me bathe as if I was 7 rather than 37. A father who check the temperature and makes sure I eat a dozen times a day. Yet neither one complains. There goal is to see me smile and be the nutjob that I always am.

I was able to work this whole week minus the Monday and Tuesday and it felt good. I am proud that I have friends and family who support me and know when to text, email, or get on the phone.

I guess the point is that as always the blessings outweigh the drama.

Next week we will see what it brings, with more treatments, MRi’s and I’m sure other ways to poke and prod me. LOL

But right now, I am blessed and I will own it. And I will own that I have hope.

Speed-Dating vs Chemo

Okay, so I had been in a bit of a dating rut for a while. (Now I am with the man of my dreams)

But at this point in time it was easy to forget that I was a regular female.
Anywho, I decided to go speed dating. Now at first I thought there would be a weird stigma attached and the people who only come out at night would be there. But, I was pleasantly suprised to see a pretty normal group of people. At least the ladies were. Lololol
Upon getting there I wanted to run and that is mainly because I am a chicken who is very shy when in a situation where she is not surrounded by back up.
I found myself having polite conversation and shared even a few laughs. There was also the element where I felt as I was giving life counseling to some of the young men there.
Overall, it wasn’t the worst experience of my life but I’m not quite sure if I would choose it for myself. Now I’m sure some of you are waiting for the chemo part to come in.
Well, for me when I first began going to chemo it felt kind of like going speed dating.I would be alone and had to prepare myself to be open minded. I had to talk to different people many times repeating my cancer story as a form of polite conversation. On a good treatment, I would leave with a few new friends or associates.
All in all, its not a situation I would by no means choose for myself but it definitely help serve a purpose. Chemo to help work on saving my physical life, and speed dating to help save my mental sanity.
Speed dating actually broke up the day to day monotony of just going to work and coming home.
So, all in all I will take my experience and I will use it with other tools to keep myself going.

can i be a vegetarian who eats chicken?

I came home from work last night craving some sort of meat (Now, I have been told by countless wonderful resources (both human and internet) that meat is not the best direction for me to go. There are many good reasons based on logic and fact. But…… That does not always coincide with emotions.
Have you ever said you weren’t going to eat/drink something and then crave it more? Or worse yet, you try to diet and then you find yourself bingeing one cold and lonely night?

I think the key word is balance. I know with any health condition it is important to do your part. But… That does not mean torturing youself. Instead of doing something everyday cut back to 5 days. If you do it in small increments soon you will realize there wasn’t as much of a dependency as you thought.

Who ever said not eating meat is the answer? You are NOT to be blamed because you eat meat. (I have been blamed – LOLOL) I’m just saying, studies were made to be re studied.

I can say, you are to be blamed if you do not start taking a vested interest in your life. There has to be an accountability for whatever choices you make. That includes eating, drinking, reading, wearing, and etc.

So yes, I believe you can become the vegetarian who can eat chicken. It means slowly cutting back until you no longer require chicken. And then not punishing yourself for choices made on your journey.

Silver Linings







Silver Linings

Random trivia about me – I am obsessed with TCM  (Turner Classic Movie) and the majority of classic movies and songs. There is a song called “Look for the Silver Lining” it was covered several times by Judy Garland, whose version also became, and remains, well-known. Your homework would be to google either the Judy Garland version or just read the lyrics.

I feel like every day I am forced into believing those words just for minimal survival.

Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Pillows, the list goes on and on for the many names that have been given to this body part that commonly can be seen in females.

Most of us who are small want them bigger, and those who are bigger want to be smaller. It falls into the “grass is greener effect” .

In my own journey, I have mentioned before that I was also the perky breasted one in my group. But for the last six years I have finally gone through awkward stage where most teenagers go crazy.  I have gone through 6 years of not having a real rack of breasts to be proud of. This is all due to the cancer, radiation, and the fact that I always seem to need to take the longer road to accomplish something.

Now that my diagnosis has changed again, I found out that I can’t even think of putting any type of implant in my body while undergoing chemotherapy. Besides losing my hair (and yes as a Black women – the urban legend is true that we have a special association with our hair) I believe that I will become officially unhinged.

I’m honestly not quite sure what to do folks. I want to find the silver lining. But this time I am fighting hard.

Oh wait, when I went to the dr it said I had lost 2 pounds WOOHOO!!!

I will keep you posted.