So I started to think I was going to coin a new phrase called “Functionally Depressed”. I was a bit let down when I saw plenty of information and research on this condition. Not that I am proud of the term, but I have been living with it for a while now. About two Fridays ago, I found out my cancer is not being tamed right now, and that a trace of it may have shown up in one of my organs. I feel like I have been knocked for a loop. I’m not antisocial, but at the same time, I’m not looking to interact with too many people. All I want to think about is how I can actively do my part to fix it. At the same time, I also want to not think about anything cancer related, and just play video games, watch old movies, and eat whatever comes to mind.
The good news is that I have a job. Yes, having a job I’m sure is not what most people consider necessarily good news. But for me it is, because it gives me a reason to get out of bed. I haven’t moved far from the bed, but at least every day for a minimum of eight hours a day I have purpose. Yes, I get the fact that I purpose as a daughter, friend, girlfriend, and other things. But, it’s a matter of having purpose because my work needs to be done regardless of what is happening in my personal life.
The fight is on right now, because cancer is fed by depression and stress. I am doing the very thing that I fear which is adding to the negative effects of cancer.
How do I get back up on the horse? Well, I am going to continue to work on these baby steps of getting up and working from home. Soon, I am going to leave my house (not just to buy soda and junk food), and soon I am going to return to fighting the daily battle of my life called cancer.
Me sharing this is because I want others to know that it is okay to go through this. But, the key word is “through” this. I am fully aware that I will snap out of it. And your guess is as good as mine to figure out how I will get through it. Right now the contenders are: having a good cry, keep eating till I gain 20 pounds, or actually decide to get up and a get a manicure. Whatever it is, I will do. Being functionally depressed is what is working so I will continue to let it work.